I identify as Happy.
Tamara Lee
October 4, 2019
If I’m being honest, I don’t think that I’ve given a fuck about public opinion for quite some time.
I came from a family where you got beat for breathing wrong, and that is a blog for another day. Some time after that I stopped caring about public opinion.
I love when people think this is easy for me.
Because I don’t give a fuck about public opinion. That being said, I am not completely free of anxieties. I care very much about what the people I care about think of me. I sort of kind of care when people think I’m something I am not. Just not enough to put any effort into changing their minds.
We are all human and have weaknesses or things we’ve done that we are not proud of. People we have hurt and things we still beat ourselves up about. For the most part, I like myself. I’m happy with how I have grown I am proud of who I am despite all the reasons why I should be someone else. I have people that love me and have given me a great deal of support and for that I am thankful.
The love outweighs the nonsense and what else could I ask for?
HISTORICALLY speaking:
I like men. The bigger the better and I don’t care if he has a belly or is balding as long as he’s handsome and has muscles and a sense of humor and can teach me something. I’m not one of these girls who faked it with men their whole lives because they were too afraid to be with a woman, that’s not my story. My exes will be relieved to read that.
I’m not a mixed up cat. I don’t even consider myself bisexual. That’s not my story.
Its it’s cool if it’s yours, that’s not my point.
That being said:
I have a girlfriend. I am a woman who is in a very loving relationship with a woman. I am happy. I’ve never done this before.
Please don’t get confused:
I’m not explaining myself because I feel I have to. I am speaking for those who support LGBTQ Pride but don’t know if they have a category.
At any rate, “easy”, is something that this is not.
I am not good at apologizing when I’m not sorry and women love that.
I’m not good with emotional displays they make me want to crawl out of my own skin.
This blog will probably get me in trouble because women are incomprehensible EVEN WHEN YOU ARE ONE.
For every message that says:
“You both are making a full statement right now. Idk if you realize but for me, you’re both showing my world , the lgbtq world, my gay ass world, that two beautiful women can be successful, modest & care about someone else at the same time. Idk if you realize but at least for me, you’re making a god damn statement Tamara & I appreciate that. I can’t even explain how much I appreciate that. Thank you.” (SHOUT to YOU, P. May you be brave every day of your life for the rest of your life.)
Or
“Well, whatever makes you happy. I support you. Plus your taste in men was shit anyway this is a step up for you.”
I get another that says:
“You should trycoxagain.”
I’m good thanks.
“Come on, you don’t miss dick?”
I’m good thanks.
“This isn’t gonna last.”
Who asked you?
“Who’s your friend?”
Trust me she’s not interested.
“You can have any man you want and you choose to date a woman.”
Point?
“It’s easy for you to “come out”.”
Where you came up with that one has me totally lost.
Insecure girls out me to their boyfriends: “she’s gay.” when they stare too long. Good job. Now your boyfriend is picturing his favorite girl on girl porn. Starring me.
And I don’t care about public opinion for the most part, but spiritual enlightenment is a messy thing. I don’t care what you say or what you think because I know who I am but if you were in the street bleeding out I wouldn’t use any brake. Not a tap.
Just like there is a culture of men knowing that they are gay and being so afraid to be with a man that they marry a woman have children because that’s what they are “supposed to do” there is a culture of women being with women because fuck what you think we are “supposed to do”.
My girlfriend and I hold hands in public. We have that luxury.
We have held hands across tables in all of New York cities fine restaurants.
We vacation alone. Together. When they offer us separate beds at check in because clearly we don’t want that king sized bed we selected before we booked we stare in disbelief. We have loud sex in hotel rooms. You should have seen the man next door looking for the guy in the room so he could give him a piece of his mind. It’s me. I’m the guy. We have fallen asleep tangled up in one another on some of the most beautiful beaches in the world and plan to do the same on more.
We kiss and we don’t care who is watching.
Im not “gay now”. That’s not my story either.
“You guys are the hottest couple ever.” And I thank you for saying that I tend to agree but:
We flash dirty looks at men who make comments about wanting to join us.
I have snuffed men when “We’re together.” was responded to with anything more disrespectful than reasonable.
I guess this is my karma for all the times I was in a bar with my friends and lied to a guy because I didn’t wanna dance with him. “This is my girlfriend!”
It’s not all rainbows and butterflies.
Did you know it’s still considered domestic violence if you’re both female?
Did you know even after you “come out of the closet” if you don’t look like Young MA or Ellen Degeneres, you will have to “come out” again and again every day for the rest of your life? My girlfriend is beautiful and me.. I don’t know – ask somebody.
And the “coming out” thing is not something I claim because I don’t even like women, i don’t think I have the right to “come out” I’ve experienced little persecution. I don’t identify. I’m sorry my lack of label confuses you but stop putting labels on me. Like I said I’m in a loving relationship with a woman. Human connection or what have you.
To your chiropractor who tells you not to sleep on your stomach and to tell your boyfriend you can’t cuddle all night.
To your boss who kept asking if the guy you’re dating is good to you.
To anyone over 60 because I just don’t think they’ll look at me the same.
To people who don’t know me because like … do I have to tell them I don’t think I’m dating a woman not gay but dating a woman.. I don’t like women .. I just love my girlfriend .. and I don’t know how or when it happened but… I’m just really fucking happy. Leave me alone already.
“I’m starting to think you got the right idea. Men suck.”
I mean yea, some do. But this is not the easy way out either. If we wind up getting married some states won’t recognize it… (addendum because now gay marriage is recognized in all 50 states). If we decide to have children it’s going to cost us. (Adoption/ invetro /stealing sperm from her brother/ a sperm donor). I always wanted to send my kids to catholic school if I had any. Can I still do that? I always wanted to get married in a church. Definitely can’t do that. In some countries we travel to, we are at risk of being hung or stoned for kissing in public.
This is not the easy way.
It’s not a phase.
It’s not for fun.
It’s not for show.
It’s not easy.
No one depressed me into being in a relationship with a woman.
I’m sorry if my choice makes you uncomfortable but seriously – go play in traffic.
It’s 2019 and still:
“Not everyone accepts” …
People genuinely have the audacity to believe they have the power to “accept” who I love.
We will have to search long and hard to find a religious home that will.
We will face challenges for the rest of our lives.
We may never get married. Maybe we will. We are choosing each other despite all challenges. And I don’t really give a flying fuck about public opinion but it is easier with a good support system.
I thank you if you’ve been part of mine.
Still figuring this out.
Just wanted to say IT IS MORE THAN FUCKING OKAY IF YOU ARE TOO. We are creating a culture of people who don’t give a fuck about what we are “supposed to be doing”.
I sort of kind of care when people think I’m something I am not. Just not enough to put any effort into changing their minds.
My fave part. I salute you. And enjoy your readings!! I think u and Ure girlfriend are a beautiful thing as well. Everyone deserves happiness. Stay you.
I love you.
Have you ever considered creating an ebook or guest authoring
on other sites? I have a blog centered on the same subjects
you discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my visitors would appreciate
your work. If you are even remotely interested, feel free to send me an email.
Quality content is the crucial to interest the visitors to pay a visit the web site, that’s what this site is
providing.