December 20, 2017

I’m staring at this heater.

I’ve been staring at this heater for over a year.

He gave me this heater last year because I was cold. New York Landlords Being Cheap With That Heat: A Love Story. What a fucking smirk I had on my face when I got out of the shower and he was plugging in this heater. You’d think it was a profession of love. Women are so sad.

Last time we broke up, I told him how many times I thought about dropping the heater off on his doorstep. I guess I may or may not have left out the part about me wanting to do this because I missed him so badly. What he doesn’t know is that I slept in his Champion sweats and his Rigid t-shirt for three weeks in front of that heater and fantasized about throwing the fucking thing through a variety of windows (including but not limited to his living room, bedroom, and truck windshield). How can I be so mad at an inanimate object? I sound ridiculous.

At any rate: This heater gotta go. I can’t stand looking at it, and I’m not even cold. He’s not getting his clothes back. Those I earned, if nothing else.

I’m an addict for dramatics…. (Taking Back Sunday)

What I mean is that I could have just thrown it away. Had I left it on the sidewalk any one of my neighbors would have taken it within the hour, and that is being very generous. I live in Brooklyn for God’s sake. Instead I parallel double parked my mother fuckin truck sideways like Kanye outside of his house and ran up his driveway. I slammed the heater into his front door. (Noise but no damage: my how I have grown #adulting). I ran back to my truck, heart jumpin’ out the gym. And just as my ass hit the driver’s seat the earth gave way because:

Danielle: “Is that him or his dad?”

“I don’t know I can’t look”

Danielle: “Tamara… is that him- he looks so confused does he know your truck?”

 

Skrrrt skrrrrt.

I honestly don’t know what I’d hoped to accomplish with this one dramatic act. Closure? Is that a thing? Is it mythical like unicorns and pots of gold?

I guess in a perfect world he would have ran after my truck or at least called and told me to get my ass back there. Thing is, I know him better than that.

You really shouldn’t test people you know are going to fail.