Shield Maiden
Tamara Lee
I’m almost as old as my mother was when she died and it boggles my mind because I am not old. I’m 33 now. She was 37.
The person you were when you died was probably not even who you’d hoped to be. You had so much more growing to do. So much more learning.
Mother, I have my own battle scars, but when you died I inherited yours too. You built a daughter who rips herself open at night just to put herself together again in the morning. I’m not asking for sympathy I have become quite good at it. When you have noone you become your best ally but you can also be your worst enemy.
It’s a gift and a curse.
And I can’t hear your voice anymore and it breaks my heart. I don’t remember what your laugh sounded like I wish I did. I cling to the fact that I know what you’d say. But what you’d say was to a child and I am now a woman.
“You’re okay mommy!” still applies in most circumstances.
When I feel my throat close up and my eyes sting i used to ask myself: “what are you gonna cry about it?” Because tears are a sign of weakness and by that you’d be disgusted.
As an adult I appreciate that I can “cry about it”: because it’s my strength, not my weakness. And I laugh now when I think “My mother would be disgusted”.
At any rate I forgive you.
The best gift I can give you is that wherever I am – you are. A walking breathing tribute in a leather jacket with your hands. Your feet. Your hips. Your face.
I’m pretty because you were gorgeous. But more importantly I am smart because of your lessons. And determined because I need to continue to do what you couldn’t. I’m loved because your goodness has grown in me. I fight because there’s no way you can be the daughter of a warrior and not fight. I’ve molded your memory into a shield maiden somehow. Because I believe that what you were taught is not what you have to believe. Who you are is something you can change. And where you come from is not where you will always be.
Tamara this is truly beautiful. And I have these exact feelings about my fathers passing. The memories are faint, his voice is a faint memory. I cling to what I think & hope is a memory. I don’t speak to my mother anymore. I guess the Diaz blood runs deep as far as how they treat their children. But I do have very faint memories of your mother and she was a gorgeous kind soul from what I remember as a child I dont Know u now as an adult but you resemble her and I wish life was different and maybe one day we’d be more then just passing fb acquaintances. Experiences only make us stronger. Sending u love on this day and always.
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The root of your writing while sounding agreeable originally, did not work perfectly with me personally after some time. Someplace throughout the sentences you actually managed to make me a believer but just for a while. I however have a problem with your jumps in assumptions and one would do well to help fill in those breaks. When you actually can accomplish that, I would certainly be amazed.
My jumps in assumption about my own mother? What the fuck are you talking about? I have no interest in making you a believer take a walk and troll someone else weirdo.
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